Gifts – A Journey to Well Being

……..I had been taken there by another kindly friend, knowing I would be incapable of driving after…..

I wouldn’t be able to remember anything at first

…Not even my name

I lay down  on the bed and the doctors and nurses bustled around doing their thing.

The only person who showed any kindness or even awareness that there was a real person here was the anaesthetist.

Ironic really

Cuff on my ankle

Canula in my arm

Oxygen on my face

Electrodes on my chest

……and my head

Relax ….relax…the Consultant said brusquely, whilst flicking my toe multiple times

…..and then I was asleep

…..and then I was awake……………

Paralysed

Unable to take a breath

Unable to flick an eyelash

Calm

Lucid

Paralysed

Something must have gone wrong

They didn’t know I was awake

I tried to take a breath.

Tried to remember the mechanics of it

Tried to get their attention

…….but nothing…..nothing at all

Everyone was ready now

The patient appropriately packaged

All physical care taken

…No kindness shown

The machine delivered its shock

Except it didn’t

It didn’t 3 times

…and then they stopped

and woke me up

There was no question about it.

I could relate all that had occurred

The anaesthetist had made a mistake. He was quite distressed

The machine hadn’t worked

I said no to any further ECT

I had never felt I had the power to refuse before.

I had been helpless and hopeless

27 lots in 9 months

If it hadn’t been for that anaesthetist, there would have been  more ECT.

Even though you would think they would begin to realise it wasn’t doing me any good

So I thank you for making a mistake that day

You gave me the wonderful gift of empowerment

There always gifts – even in our darkest places

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