……..I had been taken there by another kindly friend, knowing I would be incapable of driving after…..
I wouldn’t be able to remember anything at first
…Not even my name
I lay down on the bed and the doctors and nurses bustled around doing their thing.
The only person who showed any kindness or even awareness that there was a real person here was the anaesthetist.
Cuff on my ankle
Canula in my arm
Oxygen on my face
Electrodes on my chest
……and my head
Relax ….relax…the Consultant said brusquely, whilst flicking my toe multiple times
…..and then I was asleep
…..and then I was awake……………
Unable to take a breath
Unable to flick an eyelash
Something must have gone wrong
They didn’t know I was awake
I tried to take a breath.
Tried to remember the mechanics of it
Tried to get their attention
…….but nothing…..nothing at all
Everyone was ready now
The patient appropriately packaged
All physical care taken
…No kindness shown
The machine delivered its shock
Except it didn’t
It didn’t 3 times
…and then they stopped
and woke me up
There was no question about it.
I could relate all that had occurred
The anaesthetist had made a mistake. He was quite distressed
The machine hadn’t worked
I said no to any further ECT
I had never felt I had the power to refuse before.
I had been helpless and hopeless
27 lots in 9 months
If it hadn’t been for that anaesthetist, there would have been more ECT.
Even though you would think they would begin to realise it wasn’t doing me any good
So I thank you for making a mistake that day
You gave me the wonderful gift of empowerment
There always gifts – even in our darkest places